As we wait for the letter to come in the mail my anxiety grows stronger. When I lay my head on the pillow at night I find my mind racing with crazy thoughts,
making it difficult to fall asleep. I can feel how restless I am as I toss and turn, to only wake-up tired.
I didn’t expect to feel this way the second time around.
When my oldest left for college I thought it was the end of the world. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.
The months and weeks leading up to her departure were very exciting with all the shopping and buying of all the items she would need for her dorm room and classes. But they were also filled with sleepless nights, anxiety and just plain sadness on both our parts that she would be gone for months at a time. We were not only mother and daughter, we were also best friends. Don’t get me wrong, I was so proud and over the moon excited for her to start this chapter of her life. But I was not ready or prepared to turn that page in my book.
We went as a family to move her in and say our temporary good-byes. I held back my emotions as her eyes filled up and the tears streamed down her face. As we embraced I assured her she would be fine. And I knew she would be, I was more worried about myself, but didn’t want to let on. She headed to her dorm as we piled in our cars to head home. I cried most of the way home. It felt like that first day of pre-school and the first day of kindergarten all over again! Letting go is so hard.
The first couple of weeks were rough. We were in unchartered waters. Our house was so quiet without her. I had to walk past her empty room every morning and every night. There was no sibling arguing or laughing. We were missing one of our crew. The sad phone calls started coming. I did my best to reassure her that she was going to make new friends, learn so much and have loads of fun. She was not really buying what I was selling. Weeks past, then months and before I knew it she was home for a visit. Now she is graduating. It was not all smooth sailing, but somehow we both managed to charter the rough waters and made it through in one piece.
So then, why am I so emotional when my son tells me he has sent his application in for college? Again, I’m as proud as ever and my hopes are certainly that he is accepted to the college he has chosen. And yet, my chest felt tight and I’ve had trouble falling asleep. Although he comes and goes now between full-time work and night classes, not seeing a glimpse of him every day, the bear hugs he surprises me with and cooking with him all the time is going to leave a void. I’ve been through this once already. I should be a pro at it. And yet the emotions are still over-whelming.
One will leave the nest and the other will come back to it. Our dynamics will change all over again. My husband reassures me it’s going to be fine, just as he did before. And that I must let them go. And as much as I hate to admit it, he was right then and I’m sure he is now. (Ugh that was tuff to put in print.)
So now my husband and I find ourselves after 29 years of marriage on unfamiliar ground. We are almost empty nesters! What does that mean? Well for starters we decided to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary with a long weekend trip to Florida. It was the beginning of a new relationship for us. We had rekindled the spark from years gone by. It was just him and I, No Kids, the hotel, the pool, the water and amusement parks (that’s right I did say water and amusement park). We were like youngsters, for the first hour or so anyway in those parks. We came back home renewed and ready to take on this new adventure. We are already talking about hobbies and what we can do next, especially once my son is off to college. The trip turned out to be a wonderful turning point in our relationship and marriage.
As your raising your kids it’s all about them and family. You forget how to be just a couple. When you can steal some time away you do a date night, but for the most part it’s all about them. And I loved every minute of it. I can remember dreaming of not cooking dinner and a quiet and clean house. And now I find myself longing for the meals on the run to sports, the noise, and hustle and bustle of everyone coming and going all the time.
But, that moment when it’s time for them to leave, feelings of emptiness and loneliness can and probably will over-come you. So for those of you who have lived through it certainly know my pain. And for those of you who are yet to encounter this challenge, I sympathize with you. You will muster your way through it and survive, I promise you. And I offer you this suggestion; cherish those high school days, the family dinners, the ball games and ballet. Talk and spend time together. You can’t go back.
I know that we have done our job and done it well. Another one is being set Free! We must now grow accustomed to your new found freedom. And we are embracing it with open arms the best way we know how…together, as a married couple in love.
Jennifer works in the communications industry and is a firm believer in embracing all the sparkle life has to offer!
A beautiful reflection, and one that I can relate to, even though my daughters are in their 30s. It is still a constant and bittersweet yearning in my everyday life .... longing for the days when my girls were at home, even though I adore my grandchildren and am very proud of the lives that the girls have built for their families. It's just that there is a hole in my heart that nothing will ever replace, because (at least in my experience) I was my truest self, living my greatest sense of purpose when I was parenting my two children. Jennifer inspires me to make plans with my husband and try to do more in my life than just work, work, work. But I know as surely as I know my own name that I will never be as fulfilled as I was when I had my daughters with me everyday ... they were my reason for being ... I will always and forever be an empty nester. I will always be, above all ... Sara and Jesse's mom.
Posted by: Rayanne Bennett | 11/02/2017 at 10:50 AM