I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I can't seem to wrap my head around what happened.
My heart aches and my eyes are swollen from hours of tears flowing from them. My emotions are raw, like an open wound, but there seems to be no bandage to cover or soothe them.
I feel angry, angry at God right now. Since my childhood, my life has felt like a big puzzle I have been struggling to piece together and finish, but the pieces keep being taken away from me. I don't understand why I keep losing those I love; my father when I was only four, my older brother when I was only 12, my step-father a few years ago, and now my oldest brother. I can't seem to find any answers. Only pain, grief and anguish.
It's not supposed to happen this way. My mother should not have to bury another child. I not only feel a broken heart for myself, my children who lost their uncle, my sister-in-law, but for my mother, my mother who is up in age and must find the strength to go on.
I keep pinching myself. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I can't believe I will never see my older brother again. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel like we didn't have enough time with him, it was too soon for him to leave us.
Why does it seem that some must carry such a heavy burden while here on earth? People say He does not give you more than you can handle, but how much can one handle before reaching a breaking point?
My faith has always been a part of my life, especially during some very dark and difficult times. When I thought I could bear no more, that I couldn't go on, it was my faith, my strong conviction to continue to hope, and the love of those around me that pulled me out and back to reality.
I have to turn now to my faith again, because I don't know where else to turn for the answers. Even though I feel angry at God, I'm trying desperately to hold onto my belief that He has a plan for each and every one of us. And that He is a merciful God and spared my brother any further pain and brought him home to paradise. My only consolation right now is that my dear brother is at peace.
Someone very close to me said, “If you asked a person in Heaven to trade places with you right now they would say ‘No’.” I found those to be powerful words that somehow made me feel at ease for a moment and I will forever hold onto to them.
So, although I continue to wrestle with my emotions, and my grief feels unbearable, I pray that time will heal me, heal us, so that we can continue our journey here on earth. I know I will have to wait for the answers to all of my questions until God calls me home. It is then that I will be reunited with my loved ones and my puzzle will be completed.
Editor's Note: Jennifer's brother, Joseph Provost, 60, died unexpectedly a few days ago. Please keep her and her family in your prayers.
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